barefoot

yeah, so that pretty much sucked...

tonight was the last underground, where we had to tell all the students that we couldn't work with underground or the church anymore.  i cried, some of the girls cried, mike cried, the boys looked sad. it basically sucked. i hope they do take us at our word that they can come hang out any time (i think the boys will, because they're oblivious, but the girls might feel weird).
yeah, so once again we find ourselves without a church home, without a ministry.
mike is now cleaning out his office. i guess we're officially done.
dammit, that sucks so much.

the only part that does not suck is the outpouring of support from the leaders that work(ed) with us. they all genuinely have the student's best interest at heart, and i feel loved by them, even though we have now put them in a very awkward situation. it's nice to know that some of the relationships we've built over the last year will out live this little scenario.  i guess it's times like these when you find out who your true friends are.

so, publicly (on the INTERNET--ha, ha, that's a private joke, sorry) i want to say thank you to karil & karl, sam, jill, ashley, josh & kolleen, chris, dave & nancy... all those who have put in hours, transported gear and students, set up and torn down, and all the other things that have gone into underground.
that, my friends, is "religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless..." (james 1:27)

robbed

i almost had mike convinced to stay.  we were going to fight the battle, we were going to stay with the church and work hard at helping to make it better. we were going to fight for our ministry that we (painfully) birthed and grew (at great personal cost) over the last year. we were going to stick by our students and our church home. we were going to try to learn whatever it is that God wanted us to learn from going through this painful situation.
but we were robbed.
we were robbed of the opportunity to grow, of the opportunity to choose.
the leadership of the church has taken away the ability for us to make a thoughtful decision.
today they told mike that he had to cancel underground tonight and every thursday until we made a decision to stay or resign (and that they wanted the decision by sunday). 
they were angry that we communicated with our adult leader team and told them what was going on.  they were upset that we told the students what was going on (censored version).
i don't understand why communication to our support system, our team, our friends, is a bad idea. i think if there had been more honest top-down communication with in the church, this whole ugliness could have been avoided.
they told mike that there's somebody waiting to take his place.
apparently, we can't all act like adults and work together in spite of disagreements.
i'm hurt all over again. church is supposed to be a family.  that's the crap they keep feeding us, anyways. "we're all in this together", "we're one big family", "we're here to support each other and help each other thru the bad times"
i guess that only is true when you agree with the pastor.
now i'm left with no church home.
worse, calah is left with no church home.  it was very traumatic for her to be in a class for the first time by herself.  but miss suzanne and the other kids-church people made it fun, and made the transition a little easier.  now that is gone for her and it pisses me off.
for some of the students, this is their first experience with church.  now they get a fbucket full of crap thrown at them, because adults are being ridiculous.  that pisses me off.
i'm sad, i'm angry, i'm hurt, i honestly don't understand the logic that went in to the leader's decisions to force us out. (because, of course, we weren't fired, it was our decision to leave.)
i'm exausted. physically, emotionally, spiritually. i'm empty.  i hate churches. this always happens.  you give your heart, your sweat, your ideas, and then they trample on it.  squeeze you for one last drop of blood and then discard you like a piece of trash once you're no longer useful or more trouble than you're worth.
i have to stop now, i think i'm having another panic attack.

hurt & angry

things are going on at church, bad things
the place that is supposed to be safe is safe no longer
options are taken away
only bad choices are left
any way you slice it, someone loses.
i think its me.
trusts betrayed
lies told
selfish ambitions brought to light
those who should be watching out for others
are only watching out for themselves
no where to turn
totally powerless
i want to leave it in God's hands
but i keep taking it back
mulling it over
becoming angry again and again.
angry at injustice
angry at shirking of responsibility
angry that i didn't see it coming
angry that i now face a choice that sucks
angry that people i thought i could trust
                                 i thought were friends
                                 i thought were leading me
are not

doing my part

i can't remember where i heard it or read it. but it has really impacted the way i've been thinking and praying lately.  it's the thought that, if i do my part, what only i can do, God will do his part, what only he can do.
for instance: in our adoption process, only i can fill out the paper work. (it would be nice if he zapped the answers into the forms while i am sleeping).  only God can provide the money to pay for all the adoption expenses.  only God can orchestrate the timing and the perfect match of the child(ren) who will join our family.  sometimes i get so frustrated that there are so many orphans, and here i sit with no money and a willing heart...but that's me trying to do God's part. i do my part, he does his.
it's working the same with getting pregnant.  i do my part, taking my vitamins and folic acid, reducing the stress in my life, enjoying calah and what i have now, trying to make and keep my body as healthy as possible to prepare for a pregnancy, and God does his part (and mike does his part!)  because no matter what i do, i can't make myself get pregnant.  only God, in his wisdom and plan knows when (or if) that's going to happen.
also with our house.  i'm doing my part by checking the real estate listings, talking to realtors and bank people, we're trying to pay our bills on time to keep our credit scores going in the right direction. we're thinking and talking about renting vs. buying, calling on different apartments that we see for rent.  God is going to have to do his part by providing the right place to live in the right location for the right price.  be that renting or buying, mchenry, crystal lake or woodstock, it's going to have to be God who orchestrates the timing, the real estate market and all the other factors that drive me absolutely INSANE when i try to control them.
this my part/your part philosophy has given me alot of freedom in my thinking and my praying.  i don't feel that desperation when i pray, like, "God, how is this going to work out? you HAVE to do this, i NEED this RIGHT NOW!"  i can trust that God will do his part, in his time, and i will do my part. i'll try to be prepared, so when God says, "go, there, i found just the right thing for you", i will have been watching for it, praying for it, keeping it in mind. hopefully i'll be listening for the gentle nudge of the holy spirit when he's nudging me in the direction that i should be going.
but, until i feel that nudge, i don't have to worry about what's going to happen, if God's going to take care of me, how the timing will work out, because i know that God is busy doing his part.

the end of the week

well, all i have to say is "thank goodness it's friday".  yesterday and today went pretty well, as far as my little experiment is concerned.  i haven't made it to the gym since tuesday, but there's always tonight or tomorrow.  i'll consider myself a success if i can get there one more time before sunday.  we also followed the meal plan i made, and even resisted a very strong temptation to go out to eat on wednesday.
i've done much better at choosing optimism, a good attitude, and other healthy things than before. we'll see how the weekend goes. it seems to be much harder to have a good attitude with the people i love the most. i seem to have a shorter fuse and less tolerance for my family than i do for people i work with. why is that?
hopefully i can work on that a little this weekend. 

wednesdays

today my experiment almost went out the window.  it's wednesday today, which is my favorite day of the week, because it's my day off and i get to hang out with calah the whole day.  it's also the most frustrating day of the week because i get to hang out with calah the whole day.  it was harder today to make good choices.  so i rearranged the furniture instead. i moved book cases, rearranged books, and put up fall decorations.  sitting here, looking at my new arrangement, it makes me very happy and calm. 
and mike came home early so i got some adult company.  we ate dinner together, ran the errands that needed to be done, he gave cal a bath and i got to sit for a while by my self.
all in all it was a pretty good day. i was fairly productive, i think i only swore at the dog once, and the day is ending pretty well.  not too shabby.

my experiment

this week, i am trying an experiment.  after thinking about what jim said on sunday, and my lovely melt down experience, on monday morning i decided to put into practice what i heard during church.  on the drive to work monday morning, i decided to choose to have a good day.  i decided to see beauty, i decided to be optimistic.  I also decided to choose to be healthier.  i chose to go to the gym (even though i didn't want to). 
it really stuck with me what jim said.  he was talking about people who are never happy, always miserable.  you talk to them and they say, "i'm so miserable, i don't like the way i am".  but you ask them what they are going to do to change it, and the answer is "nuthin'"
i started to wonder if i'm like that.  i'm stressed out and unhappy, with some kind of supressed rage disorder (i can't help it--i'm a nurse, i diagnose myself, it's what i do) and i take antidepressants.
i'm fat and unhappy and unhealthy.  but do i go to the gym? not often. do i eat healthy? not as much as i should. do i take time out to rejuvinate my spirit and calm my soul? almost never.
i used to be a very happy, upbeat, optimistic person.  in the last few years, i've become jaded and unhappy, feeling victimized by 'the man'.  i don't like myself, and i like myself even less now that i've written all out. i don't want to live like this. i don't want to raise my daughter to be like me. 
that's a scary thought...and a sad one.
so yesterday and today i chose to have a good day. i chose to be optimistic. i chose to let insults roll off my back and to not expend emotional energy on things that don't matter. i chose beauty, i chose optimism, i chose health (2 days in a row at the gym! i ate a salad for lunch! yay me!), i chose to control my attitude instead of letting it control me. i choose forgiveness and not bitterness. i choose life.

what's the plan, stan?

so now that i've kind of taken stock of my shortcomings, i guess i need to formulate a plan & get to work.  that sounds kind of dumb, now that i'm re-reading it, but that's the kind of person i am. i see a problem and need to fix it.
what can i do about my lack of discipline, control issues, and need to learn patience? maybe there's a book i could read, or a seminar i could go to that would fix me?  (i wish).
(sigh) i'm sure i'll have to do it "the hard way", what ever way that is.  i'm sure i'll have to live day by day, gradually learning to trust God through the exasperating situations and annoying people he brings my way (i could probably list a few right now).  i'm sure i'll have to daily improve my discipline by (double sigh) PRACTICING things like saving money, getting up early, exercising, reading my bible, blah, blah, blah.
i need to find a 2 day seminar or a book that i can read and snap! i would be better, a good nice person who never yelled at my two year old, and never snapped at my husband, and never needed to always hold the remote control.