barefoot

doing my part

i can't remember where i heard it or read it. but it has really impacted the way i've been thinking and praying lately.  it's the thought that, if i do my part, what only i can do, God will do his part, what only he can do.
for instance: in our adoption process, only i can fill out the paper work. (it would be nice if he zapped the answers into the forms while i am sleeping).  only God can provide the money to pay for all the adoption expenses.  only God can orchestrate the timing and the perfect match of the child(ren) who will join our family.  sometimes i get so frustrated that there are so many orphans, and here i sit with no money and a willing heart...but that's me trying to do God's part. i do my part, he does his.
it's working the same with getting pregnant.  i do my part, taking my vitamins and folic acid, reducing the stress in my life, enjoying calah and what i have now, trying to make and keep my body as healthy as possible to prepare for a pregnancy, and God does his part (and mike does his part!)  because no matter what i do, i can't make myself get pregnant.  only God, in his wisdom and plan knows when (or if) that's going to happen.
also with our house.  i'm doing my part by checking the real estate listings, talking to realtors and bank people, we're trying to pay our bills on time to keep our credit scores going in the right direction. we're thinking and talking about renting vs. buying, calling on different apartments that we see for rent.  God is going to have to do his part by providing the right place to live in the right location for the right price.  be that renting or buying, mchenry, crystal lake or woodstock, it's going to have to be God who orchestrates the timing, the real estate market and all the other factors that drive me absolutely INSANE when i try to control them.
this my part/your part philosophy has given me alot of freedom in my thinking and my praying.  i don't feel that desperation when i pray, like, "God, how is this going to work out? you HAVE to do this, i NEED this RIGHT NOW!"  i can trust that God will do his part, in his time, and i will do my part. i'll try to be prepared, so when God says, "go, there, i found just the right thing for you", i will have been watching for it, praying for it, keeping it in mind. hopefully i'll be listening for the gentle nudge of the holy spirit when he's nudging me in the direction that i should be going.
but, until i feel that nudge, i don't have to worry about what's going to happen, if God's going to take care of me, how the timing will work out, because i know that God is busy doing his part.

to be or not to be

disclaimer: this blog may contain more info about me than you really want to know. (nothing gross, just intensly personal)

i haven't been writing alot lately. i haven't felt very good. mentally, i mean. i've been feeling tired and down, crying at "the drop of a hat pin" (as my dad would say). i've been feeling sick and tired at work, sick and tired of people and their drama, sick and tired of the life i've been living, letting myself become caught up in unimportant, stupid stuff. i've been sick and tired of being sick and tired, but too tired to do anything about it.
i've also stopped taking my anti-depressant. due to the holidays, the way pay-days have been falling, and my own laziness, i have not gone to the pharmacy to pick up a refill. i'd been feeling pretty good, and so i thought maybe i can skip a few days.  a few days has turned into a few weeks.  i really hate taking the pills, but i really hate who i am with out them. i also hate that i'm so dysfunctional without them.
for anyone who has recently gotten to know me, i apologize in advance for what i'm probably going to be like. if you've recently met me or gotten to know who i am, you've met the "me" who has been on the pills.
now, at least for a little bit, you'll get to know the drug free me.  i've always struggled with the decision to take them or not.  it all started after calah was born. (actually, the anxiety and the obsessive thoughts started while i was still pregnant, but i didn't recognize it for what it was).  it took me about 5 or six months to figure out what was going on. by the time i asked my doctor for some medication, i was a nervous wreck.  i was crying all the time, i hated my self, i felt so guilty because i didn't feel the way about my baby that i thought i should. i was having these horrible scary visions of the people i loved dying in horrible fiery crashes.  everyday activities like driving and feeding the baby had become these terrible ordeals.  i don't remember very much about calah's early days.
when i figured out what was going on, i thought maybe i could fix it my self.  i thought i could pull myself up by my boot straps, as it were.  i tried being happy, praying more, pleading with God to fix my brain, i felt so guilty about taking medications, i thought no good christian would take medications, i felt like a failure as a mother, a person, a christian. if i just had more faith, prayed more, loved God more, i would get better. but i didn't. i finally got so desperate i got my doctor to prescribe me some medications.
i took them for about 5 or 6 months.  then i went off again.  i thought maybe it was just a short term thing, now that she was older, i was less sleep deprived, etc, that i would be ok.
i played the on again off again game for a while alternating feeling psycho and hating myself and feeling normal but hating that the pills were responsible for my normalcy.
this june i went on them again, feeling overwhelmed with the whole adoption/infertility thing. i took them faithfully, until about two weeks ago. 
now i feel like a basket case. that's good, though, because at first i didn't feel anything.  if there's anything worse than feeling crappy, it's having no feeling at all.  i understand why people may cut themselves--feeling the pain and seeing the blood reassures you that you are actually alive.
so now what? i don't know. since i made it through the no feeling stage, maybe i can just tough it out. this is,though, a bad time of year for me anyways, with the greyness of winter and the lack of sun making me feel yucky anyways.  initally i was going to try to get off the meds after winter, but then i just let the prescription run out and didn't refill it. so now what?
do i try to tough it out? am i choosing the easy way out if i start taking the pills again? am i just choosing depression over joy? if i was a good christian wouldn't God heal me? do i need more faith?
or are the pills God's way of helping me feel better? i feel like a loser either way.

custom made problems

today, after my sunday afternoon nap, i was sitting on the couch in the livng room.  it was a really nice afternoon, and the sun was streaming in the windows.  and there they were...cobwebs. now that it's dark, i'm looking in the same place, and i can't see them any more.  when the sun was shining on them, i could see them, plain as day.  that's how church has been the last few weeks.  shining light on the cobwebby parts of my life.
today jim said something that caught my attention in a big way.  he said that all the problems i have are custom made from God.  that's kind of new perspective, instead of God saving me from my problems, or helping me through my problems, he's giving me problems.  the purpose of giving me problems, then, is so that my life gets cleaned out and all the cobwebs get cleaned up.  all the junk gets drawn out by the way i learn the lessons God is trying to teach me from these custom problems he's sending my way.
thinking about that lead me to think about what my problems are, and what, exactly, is God trying to remove from my life?
so, welcome to an in-depth look into my ugly parts.
first big problem (as i see it): i can't get pregnant.  why, i often ask myself, can't i just be normal, have babies until i want to stop, and not spend so much time and energy thinking about it.  i'm pretty sure that God is trying to teach me to trust his timing and his plan for me, instead of plowing ahead with every half-cocked idea i come up with. 
next, i don't have any money, so i can't move forward with our adoption process.  this time, God is probably trying to teach me discipline, because we're really not all that good with our money, we are not good savers, we eat out too much and buy frivolous things.
lastly (not my last problem, i'm sure, but the last one for now), my husband's brother is a JACKASS! (excuse my french).  now, at first glance this may not seem like a character issue for me. but it is because he and his druggy girlfriend produced a child seven years ago and she is being traumatized by their stupid antics.  this makes me VERY ANGRY.  partly because a precious child isn't being loved in the way she should be.  also, partly because i have very little tolerance for people who go around popping out babies and then don't take care of them.  but, there's nothing i can do. i have absolutely no recourse to make the situation right. and that is what God, i think, is trying to teach me. i don't have control of everything, and i never will.  people won't always listen to me (even if i do have good ideas), i can't right every wrong or save the world from injustice.
i just have to trust God to be in control.  sometimes that just kills me.  i am trying hard to remind myself that God is in control, and that he loves my niece even more than i do, and has a plan for her life.

its soooo early

i'm sitting here with my 2 1/2 year old watching "the doodlebops".  if you've never had the pleasure, it's about these three singing dancing clown type people.  it's kind of like a bad accident--it's so horrible but i can't look away.  but calah loves it. she sings along and dances. 
all i want is to sleep in one day.  unfortunately, cal didn't consult the calendar to see that it's saturday.  at moments like this, i can't believe i want another kid.
...sorry, i keep getting distracted by the doodlebops...
for about 2 years now all i've wanted is to have another baby. (we've been working on it as much as possible).  when it started to become clear that i wasn't going to get pregnant, we started thinking about adoption.  now we have to save the money to get our home study done, pay the agency fees and travel expenses.  it's kind of discouraging.  as my mom would say, i'm not getting any younger.  i keep praying for God to help me be patient and to trust his timing. 
maybe i'm not meant to have more than one kid.  that thought makes me very sad, but right now my life is so messy.  i never have time to work out, my house is a mess, i eat like crap, i work four days a week and feel guilty for not spending enough time with the baby i already have.
i don't know why i have to make everything so complicated.  it's probably sleep deprivation.