warning: this post is going to be kind of whiney, so you may want to skip it if you're not in the mood.
i hate my job. i hate working nights. i hate all the stupid issues and problems that are going on. i hate that i am trapped there, because as much as it SUCKS, it works best for my family at this point. it allows mike the ability to work at his dream job (one of us should be happy, no?) and gives us health insurance. i can be with the kids alot, they don't have to go to a babysitter or daycare. no other job that i can think of will give me that flexiblity and health insurance. (it sounds good, even as i'm writing it, and yet it's so awful i can barely comprehend it)
i hate that i'm crabby and irritable and moody.
i hate that i have no other alternative (or, if i choose an alternative, my whole family would have to rearrange everything. i hate that i'm so selfish i'm thinking of doing it anyways)
i hate that i threw out a bunch of vegetables that didn't get eaten this week. i hate being wasteful. i hate feeling guilty about it.
i hate how messy my house is. i hate cleaning my house. i hate feeling guilty about it.
i hate that i don't get enough sleep. i hate sleeping during the day when i should be hanging out with the girls. i hate being awake and crabby and not feeling like dealing with them when i am awake. i hate being awake at all. i hate that i hate it.
i hate that this post will probably make mike feel guilty. i don't hate that he's doing a job that he loves and is awesome at, but i do hate that i don't have the same opportunity. i hate making him feel bad about it.
i hate that i'm a whiner and can't just suck it up and be thankful for what i have. i know i should. i try to.i AM thankful, in my head, but i don't feel it. i know i have everything i need and pretty much everything i want. i know i should not complain. but right now i am failing miserably and i hate that. i also hate feeling guilty about it.
so, if you've made it this far, maybe you should send me links to stories about people who are less fortunate than i am yet are still happy and grateful. maybe you should send me bible verses to read. maybe you should give me a good talking-to. maybe you could bonk me over the head with a big mallet and put us all out of our misery.
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