barefoot

sorry mike, you probably shouldn't read this

Well this place is old/It feels just like a beat up truck/I turn the engine, but the engine doesn't turn/Well it smells of cheap wine & cigarettes/This place is always such a mess/Sometimes I think I'd like to watch it burn/I'm so alone, and I feel just like somebody else/Man, I ain't changed, but I know I ain't the same
"one headlight"  by the wallflowers

this song keeps playing in my head, over and over.

i'm done. i'm done with these kids--babies who won't sleep, pre-schoolers who will not shut up! the house is too hot, air conditioning is too expensive. the dog sheds all over, and looks at me with big sad eyes, telling me that i suck.  i'd get into the car and drive away, leaving it all behind, but gas is too expensive.

the house is dirty, the car is a mess, the bank account is empty. i had to throw away the green beens because we didn't eat them soon enough.  i hate my house, my job, everything that my life has become.  i hate that i feel this way, it makes me feel worse.  i hate that i'm too much of a loser to be normal without anti-depressants.

last thursday, i yelled at one of the underground kids for wasting his life and his potential. i called him a waste of the tax-payers money. (yes, i know. in addition to "mom of the year", i also win "best mentor")
and yet, here i sit, wasting the tax payer's money myself, breathing out carbon dioxide and putting a hole in  the ozone layer.

cal just informed me that eliza has poopy diapers.  i hate poopy diapers. i hate baby food and formula. i hate breast feeding but feel like a big selfish jerk because i'm not doing it.

the whole kitchen is full of dirty dishes that i have no intention of washing.  the basement is full of laundry that i cannot bring myself to do.  there were two basket fulls that sat in the tv room for a full week before i finally brought myself to fold 5,000 small baby onesies and little kid underpants.

10 years ago, the world was at my feet. there was so much to do, so many exciting things to accomplish. now, if i get out of bed and take a shower, that's an accomplishment.  where has my life gone? poopy diapers are calling.

request

hey, i don't know who's still out there reading this, but if you are, i have a request.

my sister in law courtney is pregnant. she has some kind of infection that doesn't really affect her but may cause harm to the baby.  can you please pray for her?

please pray that the baby will be fine, and her and my brother, josh, will be able to have peace of mind through this.

she is about 17 weeks pregnant (a little over 4 months for you non-ob people), and will be going to see the specialist soon.

thanks!

free at last!

something happened to me recently...i saw some people with whom i used to be friends.  because of the way our relationship ended, i had a lot of bitterness toward these people (if you've been reading the past year's posts, you'll probably have an idea of what/who i'm talking about).

anyways, i saw these people--a couple--and the woman kind of had to talk to me, and we were cordial to each other.   her husband, though, he wouldn't even look at me! he couldn't look me in the eye,  say 'hello', nothing.

this "important" man, this man to whom i gave the power to upset my life, derail my ministry and just cause me to have general bitterness and anger in my soul, he couldn't even look me in the eye.  you'd think, since he had all the self-righteous, pious answers... i was wrong, i harmed him & his church (ok, you got me, these "people" were the pastors of our old church), blah, blah..you'd think he would have the confidence to at least be condescending to me. to judge me in my wrongness.

but he couldn't! (maybe because he wasn't right...maybe because i wasn't wrong?...at least not all wrong)

this encounter has freed me.  i don't know why i let him hold that power over me.  but i'm done now. i am no longer the chastised child/victim that i let him make me, second guessing myself (maybe i am wrong/bad/rebellious/holding back the lord's work in this pastor's church).

so screw him & his whole family.  i wish them the best of luck in their new endeavor.  i don't want to know how they're doing. i don't want updates. i don't want to know if they screw this up, or if they do great. i'm moving on, and they are not a part of it.

and i am free at last, free at last. thank God almighty, i'm free at last!