barefoot

(sigh)...brenda

this weekend mike & i watched the movie "juno". it was pretty funny. i liked it more than mike did (no surprise there...no guns, blood, guts, or exploding things).

if you haven't seen it, it's about a 16 year old who gets pregnant, and then goes on a quest to find the perfect adoptive parents.  she thinks she's found a great couple, but everything doesn't work out exactly the way she planned.

i don't know if you do this, but with pretty much every movie i watch and book i read, i find a character that i identify with (as in, if i lived in this movie, i would be...her!)

i would like to be juno, the crazy, quirky teenager who makes the brave decision to make an adoption plan for the baby she knows she won't be able to raise. she's funny and has a great vocabulary.

i may also like to be leah, her cheerleader best friend (skinny, cute, banging her math teacher). mostly because of the skinny, cute part.

i even wouldn't mind being vanessa, the adoptive mother who weathers the storms life throws in order to achieve her dream of being a mother.

sadly, the person i identified with most was brenda, the step mother. she was a no-nonsense sort of lady (ugh, lady) who wore a turtleneck under her plain sweatshirt, was raising her teenage step daughter, her 5 year old, and muddling though life.  most of the time she is cutting out pictures of dogs (juno describes her as "obsessed"). her deep desire is to get a dog (some weird breed i can't remember the name of). the rest of the time she is making a list of things that need to be done and helping to support juno and make the best of a bad situation.

so, i liked the movie. but it made me sad to realize i was no longer the cool main character. i have now become a turtleneck wearing boring old lady who plays the supporting role to the cool people.

before i was married and had kids, i was pretty cool. i was eco-concious, a vegetarian, rode my bike places, read "newsweek".

now i read "parents" and "family fun" magazine. i plan ahead to buy next year's summer clothes at the end of this season. i buy the budget-friendly food and spend my days saying things like, "don't lick the remote!" and "you may not be naked in public".

my transformation is complete. i'm (sigh)...brenda.

sad

whats wrong with adults these days? why can't adults act like adults should?
i understand not loving each other, not getting along, giving up and not wanting to make it work.
i get it.
but why would you intentionally hurt your kids?

denied (again)

well, it's official. i've been denied for state medical assistance, again.

actually, they approved us for temporary medical benefits, starting march 11th, and effective until we are approved for benefits or denied.

unfortunately, the letter that notified me about the temporary benefits came on the same day as my denial letter, so that was really not that helpful. but a nice gesture.

so i'm stuck in no-man's-land between not making enough money to afford my own medical insurance, but making too much money to qualify for state medical assistance.  i mean, thank God for extra opportunities to work (i've been picking up saturday hours, and mike has had some side jobs), but, honestly, should i quit my job so  we can qualify for kidcare? or should i move into a cardboard box so we can afford health insurance?

i feel like i'm on the edge of the abyss, and i'm about to fall and i know there's no net.  it's that uneasy feeling all the time.

i feel like all i do lately is complain, and for that i apologize.  i have plenty to be thankful for, it's just discouraging. i feel like a hamster on a wheel.  it doesn't matter how hard i run, i'm just not getting anywhere.