barefoot

inspired

i want to tell you about some people have inspired me lately.

the first one is zeke, who's blog one for truth has sadly, ended.  i don't know him, but i have followed his blog for a while and he always had interesting things to say.  the reason i admire him is because he has now ended his blog.  i'm sad to see it go, but he said what he had to say, and now he's done.  it's the principle of not overstaying your welcome, of saying what needs to be said and then stopping.  if more pastors did that from their pulpits, i'd wager that church would be half as long and the congregation would be twice as big.
i think its brave that zeke knew it was time to stop, and he actually did it. i admire that.

next, i'd like to say how much i admire my friend karil, who's new blog diary of a fat woman, has me alternately rolling on the floor with laughter and cringing. the blog is new, but i already appreciate her writing. and not too many people would admit their weight (including me!) on the internet.  i find  her honesty refreshing, and her stories hilarious.

i also want to mention debbie. i enjoy reading her blog, which is more of a journal of her life than the  pseudo-intelligent musings of most blogs.  she's been telling the stories from her classroom. one of the last posts i read (called "lent & learning") she was talking about lent and how giving up desserts has helped her to change her perspective about her job.  i'll let you read it for yourself. it made me rethink my perspective of lent and listening for God's voice.

lastly, i want to mention my beloved husband.  while his blog, mike's so called life, would be much easier to read with spell check and punctuation, what he says comes straight from the heart.  i live with him and experience alot of the same things he does, so it's really interesting and enlightening to hear it from a different perspective.

staring into the abyss

today i scared myself.

mike and i were talking about someone who goes to the church we used to go to.  during the course of our conversation, it became apparent to me that i still have quite a bit of bitterness and rage reserved for the Church in general and that church specifically.

staring over the edge into the inky blackness of the abyss is used to call my soul was terrifying.

why am i so concerned about an organization that i have nothing to do with? with few exceptions, i don't talk to people who go there (not because i hate them or deliberatly ignore them, just because our paths never cross).  yet, every time we discuss it (again, why do we talk about it so much?) i get my undies all in a bunch. why am i so concerned with them?  they can run their church however they see fit, they can do as they please, and i will do the same.

but when ever we discuss things that are happening there (my sister still goes there, a few of the students from underground still go, so we hear things every once in a while) my blood just boils.

i need to move on. i need to live and let live. and for a while, i do.  then i hear something that makes the rage and bitterness that was carefully hidden just below the surface erupt like a volcano and spew ugliness all over everything.

i don't know how to fix it.

my new bff

i have a new best friend.  she comes to my house 2 or three times per week, and i pay her to do it.

she never stays too long, we don't talk much, but my day is always better when she comes.

she's my babysitter.  she comes to watch the girls so i can go to the gym.  she stays for about an hour and a half (15 minutes driving there, an hour on the treadmill, and 15 minutes back), usually right before she goes to class in the afternoon.

i pay her as much as i can, and she's worth every penny, and more.  if i was rich, i'd move her into my house and pay her a big fat salary.  a good babysitter is worth her weight in gold.

it's so nice to be able to escape for an hour, with a book or some music that is not about farm animals, and not have to worry or think about what's going on at home.  i always like everybody better when i get home.

so, thank you, kelly. happy valentine's day.

church hypocrites and teenage pregnancies

yesterday mike told me that he ran into someone that he hasn't talked to in a while.  the last time he talked to  this person, a youth pastor himself,  was when we were just starting the (first) underground at the church.  so, when mike ran into this guy, he asked mike how things were going. so, mike gave him the abbreviated version, and told him we were now doing underground youth church in our basement.
you know how he responded to that?
"that will never work" and "how will you get paid" and "you can't grow a church through youth ministry".
i'm sorry, but what the hell?
thanks for the encouragement, jack.
i am most offended by the last statement he made. (oddly enough, that was what one of the pastors at the church we left told us, too.  my bitterness isn't completely unfounded.)
first of all, starting a mega church isn't really the goal.  second of all, i guess that because teenagers can't really contribute alot of money to our organization, they are less worthy of jesus.

moving on, right now there are several teenagers in my basement. one of them is a girl.  at this point, the best outcome i can hope for is that she doesn't actually get pregnant in my basement.  i already had to break up a little make out session.
these kids are well on their way to repeating their parents' dysfunctional lives. divorces, drugs, screwed up children with major issues, crappy job, no money, no education.  they're all going to repeat the cycle. it's depressing and sad to watch. i don't know what to do about it, if there even is anything to do.
just watch, and pray, and try to have a good influence, and make sure no one is making babies in the basement.

today as i was driving home from the store, for a split second i thought about keeping on driving. i didn't have any kids with me, i had 2 boxes of frozen waffles and a gallon of milk...but then the thought was gone and i was turning right on maple st. and on my way home.

never ending snow and puke

you ever have the feeling that everything you do is for nothing?

i work, mike works, we still have a stack of bills.

i feed the baby, burp the baby, comfort the baby, she keeps on crying.

i shovel the driveway, it keeps on snowing.

we pour our lives into the students in underground church and still watch them flushing their lives down the toilet.

it's fairly depressing.

makes me want to pick up and move away.  somewhere where there is no blizzard, no students. i'd like to win the lottery and take a good long nap, and then go have a cup of coffee by myself, where no one will talk to me, or cry at me, or puke all over me.

i've actually been talking pretty often about leaving the god-forsaken snow-covered land of northern illinois.  the sucky thing is, i know beyond any doubt that this is where we're supposed to be right now. i'm pretty sure we're doing exactly what we're supposed to be doing. (how well we're doing it... that's another story).

yet, it never seems to make any difference. i'm tired.  i feel like a hamster on a wheel. running around and around. 

i'm just a tired, dizzy, freezing cold hamster...that smells like baby puke.